OK, so we have our faults: Forgetting anniversaries, forgetting to put the seat down, and a whole bunch of other important things I’m forgetting. But before you go wishing for a world devoid of us big dumb apes, take a minute to reflect on all the joy we bring to your world. Like duct tape, dudes have all kinds of helpful uses, like?
1. We do gross things you don’t want to do.
Got a bug that needs squishing? A clogged drain that needs snaking? In this day and age of women doing it for themselves, every once in a while, it’s nice to sit back and let a guy feel like a “real man” and do your dirty work for you. Whether we’re sweating our butt off hefting air conditioners into your bedroom window or carrying heavy cases of bottled water from the car to the house, dudes are not above getting grimy for your affection.
2. Our constant desire to have sex with you has got to be good for your ego.
Maybe our attempts to have quickies before you run out the door for work aren’t exactly romantic, but what can we say, you drive us wild! What could be a better boost for your self-image than a dude who wants to spend as much time as humanly possible in the presence of your nakedness?
3. We’ll never tell you that you look fat in those jeans.
No matter how many times you ask or what size they are, the answer will always be unilaterally, unequivocally NO.
4. We’re easy to please
Fancy dinners? Pricey presents? Save your dough. To bring a big smile to your fella’s face, follow this simple equation: One beer + one couch = happy man.
5. We keep you up to date on all the latest gadgets.
You don’t want a TV set bigger than your dining-room table? Fine, but we’ll let you know when your computer is hopelessly outdated and which new cell phone doubles as an MP3, takes pictures, and reminds you to call your mom on her birthday all at the same time. It’s like having your own personal electronics consultant for free!
6. You can squeeze our arms as hard as you like during the scary parts of movies.
And aside from making great stress squeeze balls at the multiplex, we’re also good to call in the middle of the night when you think you hear some gigantic mouse sneaking around downstairs. No man will say no to a late-night trip to your place because (a) We care about you and want to make sure you’re OK and (b) The potential for sex is way too high to pass up.
7. Our old college T-shirts are the most comfortable pajamas in the universe.
See? There’s a very good reason that we refuse to throw them out.
8. We make you laugh your butt off.
Sometimes, being an overgrown three-year-old has its benefits, like all the weird website links we forward you to break up your boring day at work.
9. Whenever you’re upset about work, our response is always, “Your boss is an idiot.”
Dudes see things in black and white. We’re not all about understanding the subtleties and layers of an argument. If you’re having problems at your job, we won’t play psychoanalyst and try to get to the root of the problem. We won’t try to figure out if you are doing anything to make the situation worse: If your boss is pissing you off, your boss is obviously a jerk and doesn’t deserve to have you.
10. We nearly always make the first move.
Asking someone out, leaning in for that first kiss, all instances that can result in ego-destroying rejection. But even the meekest of men are willing to take the risk when a beauty like you steps into our lives. So sit back and enjoy watching us tremble.
Dan Bova has written for Stuff, Redbook, and other magazines. For the female perspective on this issue, read Guys: Give thanks for women!.